Friday, March 27, 2009

there really are no words, no way to explain it

numb, sadness, anxiety (the same feelings I have as I type this)

I won't be around tomorrow, so I thought I'd post tonight. A year ago tomorrow (March 28, 2008) I was told that I had lost triplets. Those precious babies had implanted and my body killed them. I had great betas, I had an u/s, I even had a positive home pregnancy test (I will forever live with the regret of not taking a picture of that test). In fact it was the expensive digital test, and right away "pregnant" appeared. The only participants in the digital home test were me, the admin. assistant at the embassy health unit, and God.

I can't believe that I'm actually saying/thinking this, but did the anxiety of possibly being kicked out of a country take precedence over the grief of losing babies? When my RE called to schedule the normal "what went wrong" appointment, all I could think of was the two babies I had on ice, not the three I had just lost. I didn't and couldn't grieve the loss of my triplets. My concern was for the two I had left.

In some way (without sharing too much political information) I would have to tell my Belarusian RE that I HAD to have the two transfered right away. Protocol be dammed. I didn't have a month between cycles. I didn't know if I would be in the country for two months, two weeks, or even two days.

Infertility is awful under the best of circumstances, infertility under these circumstances, um, yeah, well, okay, off to get a glass of wine.

Babies, I miss you. Your mommy loves you so much.


  1. Thinking of you as you remember your babes.

    And on a lighter note, love your blog title!

  2. My husband is also in the FS and we were also experiencing infertility. Three IVFs and two miscarriages later we adopted domestically in the US (while posted there). We are now in Venezuela. I know and have experienced the pain you are feeling and wish you all the best. I look forward to reading more about your journey.

  3. I'm so sorry about the death of your 3 little ones. That would have been a hard blow to take and cope with. Our daughter Janaki died at 21 weeks (for no medical reason) and its been a constant struggle to cope with grief and ongoing infertility. Reach for the wine...I reach for the caffeine and the chocolate. Sigh. A vice for a vice. Even indulging makes me realise that I'm only indulging because I'm not pregnant.

    Thinking of you and your husband (ok ok even the dang cats - sorry, dog person here) as you remember your little ones gone too soon.