numb, sadness, anxiety (the same feelings I have as I type this)
I won't be around tomorrow, so I thought I'd post tonight. A year ago tomorrow (March 28, 2008) I was told that I had lost triplets. Those precious babies had implanted and my body killed them. I had great betas, I had an u/s, I even had a positive home pregnancy test (I will forever live with the regret of not taking a picture of that test). In fact it was the expensive digital test, and right away "pregnant" appeared. The only participants in the digital home test were me, the admin. assistant at the embassy health unit, and God.
I can't believe that I'm actually saying/thinking this, but did the anxiety of possibly being kicked out of a country take precedence over the grief of losing babies? When my RE called to schedule the normal "what went wrong" appointment, all I could think of was the two babies I had on ice, not the three I had just lost. I didn't and couldn't grieve the loss of my triplets. My concern was for the two I had left.
In some way (without sharing too much political information) I would have to tell my Belarusian RE that I HAD to have the two transfered right away. Protocol be dammed. I didn't have a month between cycles. I didn't know if I would be in the country for two months, two weeks, or even two days.
Infertility is awful under the best of circumstances, infertility under these circumstances, um, yeah, well, okay, off to get a glass of wine.
Babies, I miss you. Your mommy loves you so much.