Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I wonder

I wonder what it’s like to see a positive home pregnancy test and feel nothing but joy, instead of some joy and a lot of fear

I wonder what it’s like to use the bathroom without worrying that this is the time you will learn that the pregnancy is over

I wonder what it’s like to feel “safe” enough to start reading the dozens of pregnancy books you own

I wonder what it’s like to not let the tiny amount of caffeine in a decaf latte make you crazy with dread

I wonder what it’s like to not play games with yourself regarding every decision you make throughout the day. Games like, I better not open the next box of Crinone, because I might not need it tomorrow. Or I better not open the next bag of syringes, because I might not need those either

I wonder what it’s like to order the much needed maternity pants without fear of having to return them unused

I wonder what it’s like to feel excitement over a very much wanted and planned for pregnancy, though know that you can’t because in just days, if not hours, it could be stolen from you again

I wonder what it’s like to research nursery furniture, instead of researching how many intralipid infusions it takes to keep your body from once again killing your baby

I wonder what it’s like to have two consecutive hours of no cramping or spotting

I wonder what it’s like


  1. Yeah! I wonder those things too. Must be nice to not have to wonder.

  2. If only we didn't have to wonder. I recognize every single word and wish with all my heart things were different.

    Much love!

  3. Yeah, if you figure it out let me know because I have no idea either.

  4. I wish that, on top of everything else, we didn't have to lose our innocence over the joys of pregnancy.

    Also, thank you so much for the kind comment on my blog. I confess that I nearly cried.

    Hoping for the best for you. Have a Happy Thanksgiving in Ireland.

  5. I wish none of us had to "wonder".

    Seriously, I could have written this myself...


  6. Sending you big hugs. All of those questions are things that I think we all wonder. I wish it could be easier for you and that you could enjoy this time. Just know that there are people thinking and praying for you. ((Hugs))

  7. This post made me cry. I know if (when!) I am ever pregnant again I will feel the same way. I hope you are able to turn a corner soon and just enjoy your pregnancy...but I know us IFers will never be able to simply rejoice in it the way those to whom it comes easily can. Yet another loss along this difficult road.

    But--congratulations! I am excited for you!

  8. Sweetie, I wonder with you. Much love, Fran

  9. Oh sweetie, I wonder these things too. You and I are very much in the same boat at the moment. The other night when I started to cramp and spot, when I was lying in bed, I mentally took my worries, put them in a box and handed them over to whatever higher power is looking over us. And ever since I have had such a feeling of calm. It's out of my hands now and it's all with the Man Above.

    I hope and pray that this pregnancy brings you your much longed for bundle of joy. My mom has a constant list of pregnant ladies she prays for, I will ask her to add you to the list.

    (((BIG HUGS))) xx

  10. I wonder many of those same things too... and don't even remember a time when I didn't wonder them :( Very well said.

  11. I agree. I wonder what it's like to just be HAPPY!

  12. Yep, that is how I want to feel too. I would love to not wonder so much. Thanks for commenting, and I am right there with you.

  13. hi, I am visiting from ICLW...No. 188 to say hello and to check out your blog.

    I am sorry for your loss and your struggles.

    I once wondered all of things over and over again too.Praying & hoping that this pregnancy brings you your much longed for bundle of joy

    My Little Drummer Boys

  14. I too wonder what it feels like to just get pregnant, be pregnant and just experience that joy without worry.
    Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope and pray that it will be the one that will bring you joy and peace. Good luck. (-:

  15. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I can completely, absolutely, positively relate to every single word you said. I was consumed with fear every second.

    I hope that this is your sticky bean and at some point, you are able to take a deep breath and experience the joy. (((HUGS)))

  16. Lots of {{{hugs}}}. Our innocence is such a terrible loss. Hoping and praying things go well.

  17. Dear Cats,
    I wonder too. Oh the innocence we have lost. You know my IF issue ( as far as I know ) is old eggs, but once I met all my ALI sisters I really came to appreciate or I guess acknowledge that there is no such thing as a carefree pregnancy, assuming one gets that far. I pray you need all those shots, baby books, bump pants and that you still enjoy your decaf lattes. For the record I am a decaf latte girl too and hope to stay that way - so I got some encourement from you on that:) thanks for cheering me on - I am cheering with you too and longing for the day we can all be totally nonchalant about this! ((( hugs!)))

  18. Don't we all? I pray that those pesky cramps and spotting will go away and you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy in peace. Try to enjoy whatever amount of time you've been given with that precious little one, whether it's 9 months or not. Try not to live in fear of the "what ifs." I know, it's hard.

    Happy ICLW!

  19. Thinking of you, and hoping all goes well this week!