Friday, April 17, 2009

would it be good news or bad news?

I had my FET (frozen embryo transfer) a year ago today. I remember it so clearly. My RE had called and with much excitement in his voice, said that both babies survived the thaw. HOORAY! I went to the embassy for my Russian lesson, had a light lunch, took Valium (hey, I was supposed to), and went to the clinic. Unfortunately my RE was in emergency surgery, so my FET was pushed back a few hours. The driver took me back to the embassy and I waited, and waited, and waited.

Finally it was time to go. This time someone had arranged to be with me at the clinic. Since I was the last case of the day, my RE said that after the transfer I should just stay lying down in the OR for two hours, instead of moving to the recovery room. He did the transfer, walked over, touched my forehead, said some kind words, and that’s when the tears started. I asked if my “person” could come in and wait with me. “Person” came in wearing scrubs, surgical hat, and mask, and pulled over a chair. I remember looking out the window, looking out on Minsk, and just crying. For two hours I cried. I knew I was supposed to relax. I knew I was supposed to reduce stress. I couldn’t. I knew in my heart that the people and the city I loved so much were about to be taken away.

While nobody had actually said it, yet, I knew things were bad. Very, very bad. There were burn barrels on the embassy compound. I’d heard people whispering about the disintegraters breaking down from overuse, shredders were wearing out, pouches were being flown out multiple times a week. Nobody had to tell me how very bad the situation was; they couldn’t tell me because I didn’t have the proper clearance, but in my heart, I knew.

Two hours went by, the nurse helped me dress, and my “person” and I went into the RE’s office for my instructions. While the RE listed off what I was supposed to do, length of bed rest, and the meds I was to take, I just sat there and cried. I was so incredibly sad. I really liked my RE and I didn’t know if I would ever see him again. He handed me the paper work and that’s when I saw it. Down in the lower right corner 30.04.2008

April 30, 2008. That is the day of my wedding anniversary, it would also be the day of my first beta (blood test for pregnancy) for the FET. There it was on paper, the fact that on that day I would either get good news or bad news. I just didn’t know how very bad the news would be.

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